8-7-2004:
Honest Politicians?
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." -- George W. Bush
"We will double our special forces to conduct terrorist operations..." -- John Kerry
Updated 10-24-2003:
Actual Quotes from Sporting Events
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." -- Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." -- Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." -- Murray Walker
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." -- Greg Norman
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." -- Alan Minter
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" -- Terry Venables
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." -- Ron Atkinson
New Words and Definitions
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary and alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition:Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Good Advice From Kids
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." -- Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -- Hannah, age 9
"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -- Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes." -- Randy, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." -- Emily, age 10
"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -- Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." -- Traci, age 14
"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." -- Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." -- Kyoyo, age 11
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -- Amir, age 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -- Kellie, age 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -- Naomi, age 15
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -- Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -- Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." -- Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat." -- Eileen, age 8
Warning: file() [
function.file]: Unable to access /home4/sub001/sc11685-MZQC/www/SQ1.txt in
/mounted-storage/home48c/sub001/sc11685-MZQC/www/strange-but-true.php on line
13
Warning: file(/home4/sub001/sc11685-MZQC/www/SQ1.txt) [
function.file]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in
/mounted-storage/home48c/sub001/sc11685-MZQC/www/strange-but-true.php on line
13
Employee Evaluations
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation:"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."
The Idiots' Court
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: "So the date of conception [of the baby] was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Q: "What is your date of birth?"
A: "July 15th."
Q: "What year?"
A: "Every year."
Q: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
A: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."
Q: "How old is your son, the one living with you."
A: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Q: "How long has he lived with you?"
A: "Forty-five years."
Q: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
A: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Q: "And why did that upset you?"
A: "My name is Susan."
Q: "Where was the location of the accident?"
A: "Approximately milepost 499."
Q: "And where is milepost 499?"
A: "Probably between milepost 498 and 500."
Q: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
A: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
Q: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"
A: "After the accident?"
Q: "Before the accident."
A: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."
Q: "Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?"
A: "We both do."
Q: "Voodoo?"
A: "We do."
Q: "You do?"
A: "Yes, voodoo."
Updated 6-9-2003:
Men are tough, Women are nuts
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" about the differences between men and women? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor at the University of Phoenix. The English professor gave his class this exercise:"Today we will experiment with a new form called the 'tandem story'. The process is simple: Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of his English students; Rebecca and Gary.
----------------------------------------------
The Story, first paragraph by Rebecca: At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
----------------------------------------------
Second paragraph by Gary: Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17" he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------
Rebecca: He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
----------------------------------------------
Gary: Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------
Rebecca: This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------
Gary: Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
----------------------------------------------
Rebecca: Asshole.
----------------------------------------------
Gary: Bitch.
----------------------------------------------
Rebecca: DICK!
----------------------------------------------
Gary: Slut.
----------------------------------------------
Rebecca: Get fucked.
----------------------------------------------
Gary: Eat shit.
----------------------------------------------
Rebecca: FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------
Gary: Go drink some tea - whore.
**********************************************
Professor: A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.
Classic Hollywood Squares Comebacks
These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous.Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false... a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Epitaphs from real Tombstones
Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:
Office upstairs
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
AP - About 45 feet beneath the ocean's surface lies a cemetery with gates, pathways, plaques and even benches.
Reuters - The Swiss government has
agreed to ease restrictions on the importation of potatoes
following fears that Euro 2008 soccer fans could face a
shortage of French fries next month.
Reuters - Orchids that mimic female wasps may
not only waste the time of the male wasps they lure into
spreading their pollen -- they also seduce them into wasting
valuable sperm, Australian researchers reported on Wednesday.
Reuters - Speeding drivers in south China are
getting clear away thanks to machines which switch the numbers
on their licence plates in seconds, state media said on
Tuesday.
Reuters - Forget the luxury cars that cram
Moscow's streets: Russian thieves are after dump trucks, cranes
and asphalt pavers to feed a booming construction sector.
Reuters - A British company developing a
non-stick chewing gum that can be easily removed from pavements
and shoes has raised 10 million pounds ($20 million) to help
bring its product to market.
Reuters - McLaren's Lewis Hamilton has
recognised that acting may not be his forte after a Turkish
Grand Prix promotional stunt turned into an embarrassment for
the Formula One driver.
Reuters - Canada's last known
surviving veteran of World War One is becoming a Canadian
citizen, the government said on Friday.
Reuters - The Swiss government has
agreed to ease restrictions on the importation of potatoes
following fears that Euro 2008 football fans could face a
shortage of French fries next month.
Reuters - A company developing a non-stick chewing
gum that can be easily removed from pavements and shoes has
raised 10 million pounds to help bring its product to market.
Reuters - A Rio de Janeiro tour company
could be in trouble for giving tourists too intimate a view of
life in the city's notorious slums, including photo
opportunities with drug gang leaders.
AP - The 55-year-old Omaha man who performed a tracheotomy on himself with a steak knife says he did the same thing to himself two years ago.
AP - It's a happy Mother's Day for an Arkansas woman she's pregnant with her 18th child. Michelle Duggar, 41, is due on New Year's Day, and the latest addition will join seven sisters and 10 brothers. There are two sets of twins.
