Limericks and Dirty Poems

On Limericks

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the good ones I've seen
So rarely are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.


Man from Nantucket

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I'd fuck it!"


Man from Alsass

There once was a man from Alsass
Who had balls made out of brass
He rubbed them together
In stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass!


Woman from Wheeling

There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who got a funny feeling
So she laid on her back,
Spread open her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling.


Clinton and Her

Clinton just had to meet her;
He thought that no one was sweeter.
They had sex on the phone,
And when they were alone,
They played games like "Swallow the Leader".


Superman and Lois

As a kid, when we rode on the bus,
Deep questions we'd often discuss:
"Would it come off divine,
Or just blow out her spine,
If Superman did it with Lois?"


Internet Romance

On the internet they found romance,
That put both in a hot sexual trance,
But each had a gripe,
About having to type
With their hand stuck down into their pants.


Father Borr

Father Borr said, "Indulgence and fun
I abhor," but cloaked truth in pun.
"I am sober, and choose
To abstain from all booze.
As for pleasures of sex, I have nun."


Fellow from Kent

There was a young fellow from Kent
His peter was so long that it bent
So, to save himself trouble
He always folded it double
And instead of coming, he went.


Girl from Cape Cod

There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought all good things came from God
But it wasn't the Almighty
That lifted her nighty
'Twas Roger the lodger, by Gawd!






Lady named Rhoda

There was a young lady named Rhoda,
Who lived in a Chinese Pagoda.
The halls and the walls,
Were festooned with the balls,
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.


Lady named Jill

There was a horny young lady named Jill,
Who fucked dynamite sticks for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil!


Dear Nancy

Dear Nancy, on children she dotes;
Took in five of them, feeling her oats.
When her boyfriend came over,
She said, "Not now, Rover;
The kids will all watch and take notes."


Old Man of Ely

There was an old man of Ely
Who spoke to his wife in Swahili;
For as she could speak
Only English and Greek,
He could use it to swear at her freely.


Barmaid in Sale

On the chest of the barmaid in Sale
Were tatooed the prices of ales
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in braille.


Man from Cheaney

There once was a man from Cheaney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
Lacking in couth,
He added vermouth
And slipped his wife a martini!


Adam's Last Will

I'm not sure that this story's a fake.
Could be history has made a mistake.
But in Adam's last will,
To Eve he left one dollar bill,
Plus a very tired snake.


Fanny for Sale

With the police still hot on his trail
He was tempted by fanny for sale
So the crook went to bed
With a price on his head
With a girl with a price on her tail!


Carol in Vegas

In Las Vegas a maiden named Carol
Was arrested for wearing a barrel.
She'd not drawn the joker
While playing strip poker
And lost all her other apparel.


Mrs. Malprop

"I masturbate three times a day."
Mrs. Malprop entered the fray.
She said, "It is sin.
I am filled with chagrin.
You should ask for forgiveness and pray."



Woman named Kit

There once was a woman named Kit
Who made love to a dead man named Britt.
She got quite a tiff
Going down on the stiff,
But she cried the next day when Britt split!


Woman named Jeannie

There was a young woman named Jeannie
Who sobbed to her date, "You're a meanie.
You claim you're a stud
But, oh, what a dud!
Your prick is a real teeny-weeny."


Morton the Bull

An amorous bull known as Morton
Was arrested for stampin' and snortin'.
When released from his cell
He was madder'n hell,
For the season had passed for cavortin'.


Bump in the Night

We tell children, to give them a fright,
About "Things That Go Bump In The Night!"
But rather than frightful,
Some bumping's delightful,
When the bumpers are doing it right.


Running with Women

A guy who would not run with women
Said, "Women should walk or go swimmin'.
You know it's a fact,
They tend to distract
With their bouncin' and shakin' and shimmin'."


Mathematician named Paul

A mathematician named Paul
Had a hexahedronical ball
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number; Give him a call.


Commander Harrison

There was once a commander named Harrison
Who stationed his troops in a garrison;
And there they would languish
And mutter with anguish,
"Attila was kind, by comparison."


Old Mother Hubbard

Old Mother Hubard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
'cause he had a bone of his own.


Newspaper Dress

There was a young lady one fall
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.


Discreet Brigadier

There once was a discreet brigadier
Fond of his ten thousand a year
But when he heard the guns rattle
Said, "Sounds like a battle"
And quietly slipped to the rear.


Onslaught of Snow

I detest the onslaught of snow,
When the cold makes a man...well, you know,
Shrivel up like a raisin.
I find it amazin'
There exist any young Eskimo.


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