As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry; unfortunately none of them are on this flight!
Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside!
Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.
Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.
As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...
Tendjewberrymud
Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of 1997". The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"
Dear Abby Letters
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Updated 7-3-2002: Actual Chinese Movie Subtitles
I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
Gun wounds again?
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
I have been scared shitless too much lately.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Updated 6-10-2002: Signs from around the World
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cools and Heats; If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Visions of the future
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president of the Royal Society, 1895
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home." -- Ken Olsen, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"The telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marshal Ferdinand Foch, French commander of Allied forces during the closing months of World War I, 1918
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates, in response to his urgings for investment in radio in the 1920's
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." -- New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work, 1921
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -- Harry M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, commissioner of the US Office of Patents, 1899
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