Joke of the Day Archives for April 2006

T.P. In The Trees

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Bubba and...

Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Earl and Gomer, were called for.
Earl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Earl looked and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Earl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the body's identity.
Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"   Rate/View Rating

Blew a Seal

There was a penguin driving through the desert when something went wrong with his car, so he pulled into a gas station and asked someone if they could fix it.
While someone was trying to fix it, the penguin went to get an ice cream cone. It was a hot day so it melted easily. The penguin came back and the gas station owner said, "You blew a seal."
The penguin wiped his face and said, "I did not! It's only ice cream."   Rate/View Rating

The Bet

A man walked into a bar. He said to the bartender, "I'll have scotch, make it a double."
As he sits down he sees a jar full of 100 dollar bills. He then asks the bartender, "What is this jar of one-hundred dollar bills here for?"
The bartender replies, "It's a little bet I have going. First, you have to place a one-hundred dollar bill in, and that's just to play. After that, see that huge guy over there with the bulging muscles?"
"Yeah."
"You have to knock him out in one punch. Then, you have to go out back an pull the tooth of a bulldog. After you are through with that, you must go over to that old hooker and make love to her. If you do all of these things, you win every dollar in the jar."
The man says, "Well, I don't know if I'll make that bet."
So the man continues to order up scotch. When he got to his 28th round, he decided it was about that time: he was going to win the money.
So he walked over to the tough guy and knocked him out in one punch, just like the bartender had said. Then he went out back with the dog, everyone in the bar hears the loud angry dog growling and barking.
Ten minutes later, the man walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and sees that his shirt is all torn and bloody.
The man shouts, "Ok, so where is that old whore who needs her tooth pulled?"   Rate/View Rating

What Is It?

A well dressed guy went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.
The guy leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the guy asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "Damned if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The guy said, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over. The guy rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."   Rate/View Rating

Fish Made Her Smarter

A woman went to Jim's Seafood Store and asked Jim what the best part of the fish was. Jim said, "The best part of the fish is the head." He also said, "Not only are they good, but the heads will make you smarter."
So the woman wanted to try and see if they are really that good. The heads were $4.34 each, so she got some. Later that week she got some more and told Jim that the heads were really good. So for about 3 weeks, 2 times a week she got more fish heads.
The next time she came in she said, "You know I have been thinking, the fish heads are $4.34 each, when I could get a whole fish with the head for $3.00."
And Jim said, "See? You're smarter already."   Rate/View Rating

Confessional

The privacy partition in the confessional booth slides and an excited voice bursts through the screen, "Father, I gotta tell you what happened to me last night. I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two 18 year old women for eight hours last night!"
The stunned priest, replies incredulously, "You did what?!"
"I said, I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two eighteen year old women last night for eight hours."
The stern father replies, "Boy, I've been waiting all my life for a guy like you. I'm gonna give you a penance like you'll never forget."
To which the voice replies, "Father, you can't give me a penance."
"Why not?" asks the man of the cloth.
"Because I'm Jewish," claims the voice.
A perplexed father asks, "Then why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everyone!"   Rate/View Rating

Fucking Lights

With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated.
"Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness, "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."   Rate/View Rating

Inheritance

Two friends meet in the street. The one lad looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"I'd like that."
"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"Then how come you look so glum?"
"And this week - nothing!"   Rate/View Rating

Blonde Nurse

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam; I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for... but what's the beer for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light!"   Rate/View Rating

Dead Frog

One day, a 13-year-old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string. He stomps up to the counter and says to the madam, "I wanna woman."
"I'm sorry," she says, "but we don't let boys your age have a woman."
The little boy slams a hundred dollar bill down on the counter and says, "I wanna woman!" So the madam asks him what kind of woman he wants.
"A skanky one," he replies. "I want her to have AIDS, Herpes, crabs, the works. I want the nastiest whore in the place."
Offended, the madam says, "We don't have women like that here." So the boy slams another hundred down, and the madam points to a room down the hall and says: "Last door on the right."
The boy walks down the hall, dragging his dead frog on a string, and goes into the room. He fucks the hell out of the woman, and then leaves (still dragging his dead frog on a string). Just as he's getting ready to leave, the madam calls him over and asks why on earth he would want someone so nasty.
"Well, it's like this," he says, "I'm gonna go home about seven o'clock tonight, and I'm gonna have sex with my babysitter. Then when mom and dad come home about nine o' clock, dad's gonna take the babysitter home, and he's gonna screw her. Then dad's gonna come home, and him and mom are gonna go to bed, and they'll screw. In the morning, dad will leave for work, and the milkman will stop by, and mom will have sex with him. Now here's where it all comes down, you see I'm gonna really get him, because the milkman is the one that killed my damn frog!"   Rate/View Rating

Men Strike Back!

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with: "A man once told me..."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to!

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.   Rate/View Rating

True Age

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 39 came up. Then she just fainted!"   Rate/View Rating

Don't Speak

Bryan went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally found one for a great price, but it was missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he would have to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should've been.
His girlfriend was having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rode his new bike to her house, where she was outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," she told him, "Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Bryan sat down for dinner and it was just how she described it. Dishes were piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody was saying a word. So Bryan decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table, and had sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified, but no one said a word.
A few minutes later he grabbed her mom, threw her on the table, and did a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend was furious, her dad was boiling, and her mother was a little happier. But still there was complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Bryan remembered his motorcycle. He jumped up and grabbed his jar of Vaseline. When he witnesses this, his girlfriend's father backed away from the table and screamed, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the goddamn dishes!"   Rate/View Rating

Smart Husband

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"   Rate/View Rating

The Substitute Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played: "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!   Rate/View Rating

Fake Redhead

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."   Rate/View Rating

Swingin' with Martians

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."   Rate/View Rating

Magic Watch

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."
"Thanks," says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."
"Rubbish, you're having me on," says the girl.
"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on." The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."
"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."
"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"   Rate/View Rating

Angry Man, Happy Woman

A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."   Rate/View Rating

Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"   Rate/View Rating

Weekend Escape

"The Related Sale" was the subject of a pep talk given recently by the manager of a certain super-drugstore.
"For instance, if a customer wants razor blades," he told employees, "ask him how he's fixed for shaving cream and after-shave lotion. That way you can turn a small sale into a bigger one and make more commission."
The youngest clerk was very impressed with the talk and was eager to try the technique on his very next customer. This turned out to be a rather embarrassed gentleman who shyly requested a box of Kotex for his wife.
Ten minutes later, the manager of the store was amazed to see the customer staggering out loaded down with assorted fishing equipment, tackle, nets, boots and a one-man inflatable life raft.
"What happened?!" The manager gasped, and the clerk modestly attributed his success to "The Related Sale."
"Related Sale!" Exclaimed the manager, "But all he wanted was a box of Kotex."
"I know," said the clerk. "So I said, 'Look, mister, your weekend's shot to shit anyway. Why don't you take a fishing trip?'"   Rate/View Rating

Calling Mom

Phone rings. Mother: (picks up the phone and answers) "Hello?"
Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"
Mother: "You're going out?"
Daughter: "Yes."
Mother: "With whom?"
Daughter: "With a friend."
Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."
Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me!"
Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies."
Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?"
Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did and I don't."
Mother: "What are you hinting at?"
Daughter: "Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."
Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
Daughter: "My ex-husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"
Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
Daughter: "He's not a loser."
Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?"
Mother: "Poor children with such a Mother..."
Daughter: "Enough please!"
Mother: "Don't scream at me."
Daughter: "Goodbye, Mother."
Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?"
Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"
Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?"   Rate/View Rating

Johnny and the Old Man

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.
As he gets up, little Johnny, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing years ago, I would have a seat today."   Rate/View Rating

Gynecologist Painter

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"   Rate/View Rating

Like a Stone

Three boys were walking home from school one day. All of a sudden, they saw a naked lady sunbathing so of course, they stopped to look. Then, right out of the blue, one of the kids takes off running.
The next day, they see the same lady, and again, the same kid takes off running.
On the third day they stop to see the lady, and she is still there. But this time, before the kid can run away, his two friends grab him by the arm, and they ask him: "What's the matter, don't you like looking at naked women?"
And the kid replies, "Yeah, but my mommy told me that if I look at a naked woman too long, I'll turn to stone; and I felt something getting hard."   Rate/View Rating

The Camel

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant, "Bring the camel into my tent!"
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.
Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."   Rate/View Rating

Trucker and Bikers

At a truck stop off I-40 in Arkansas about 2 o'clock in the morning, a trucker was having a cup of coffee and a piece of pie and was romancing the solitary waitress there.
All of a sudden, three mean looking bikers came in. They observed the connection between the waitress and the trucker and started to make nasty and suggestive remarks trying to get the trucker to start something. But the trucker didn't say anything, just paid his bill and walked out.
One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Looks like your boyfriend ain't much of a man."
The waitress just leaned on the cash register and looked out the window and said, "Yeah, and he ain't much of a trucker either. He just ran his semi over three motorcycles."   Rate/View Rating

Trained Dogs

There is a guy who has a dog that doesn't obey him. Then he sees an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go to the dog trainer and get his dog trained.
The guy walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog, and are you a good trainer?"
The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a demonstration of how good I am."
He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle. The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones.
"Wow!" said the guy, "What kind of dog is that?"
"That's a nurse's dog," said the trainer.
Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room. That dog makes a big building. The man says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?"
"That's an architect's dog," replies the trainer.
Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in. That dog takes the bones, screws the other two dogs and runs away. "Wow! What kind of dog is that?" says the man.
"That's a lawyer's dog!"   Rate/View Rating

Close Your Purse

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me? I have to go powder my nose." And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the restroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."   Rate/View Rating