Joke of the Day Archives for March 2006

Just Like a Woman

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
"I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother is moving in with us," she replied.   Rate/View Rating

The Switch

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So...I switched the heads."   Rate/View Rating

Bubba and Earl

Bubba and Earl were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.
Bubba asked Earl: "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin' an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Earl scratched his head for a bit then said: "I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."   Rate/View Rating

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."
The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."   Rate/View Rating

The Prick

A man approached the minister at his church: "Reverend," he said, "We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the hat pin."
He agreed to the plan. In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.
Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband. Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" Bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a hard, threatening glare. Before long, though, she again nodded off. This time however, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hat pin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.   Rate/View Rating

Common Enemies

A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that George W. Bush is a rich, good-for-nothing dry-drunk. We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."   Rate/View Rating

Circle Flies

A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding; The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."   Rate/View Rating

The Nail

Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one... right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.   Rate/View Rating

Stealing Sentence

A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.
The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term. "This time you stole a can of tomatoes. Let us suppose that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?" The woman agreed. "Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
"Well," said his honor, "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."
The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he whispered, "She also stole a can of peas."   Rate/View Rating

Parking Ticket

I went to the grocery store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires, so I called him an asshole. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about ten minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a shit. My car was parked down by the hardware store; the car parked right in front of the store, the one he was papering, belongs to the mayor's wife.   Rate/View Rating

The Biggest Lie Ever Told

"Ladies and gentlemen, one of the basic truths of the world is that George W. Bush is a man of his word." -- Dick Cheney   Rate/View Rating

Feels Expensive

A lady walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts very loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a salesperson does not show up right now.
As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman."Good day, madam. How may I help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching the rug, you are very likely to shit when you hear the price."   Rate/View Rating

Fight Jaws

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible.

If this doesn't work, beat the hell out of the shark with your stump.   Rate/View Rating

The Egg

A goose laid an egg in a redneck's garden. The owner of the goose went round to his house and asked for the egg.
"Sorry man," came the reply, "In these parts, if goose lays egg in garden, owner of garden gets egg!"
The goose owner said, "Where I come from, we settle disputes like this: I kick you in your nuts, you kick me in mine and so on until one gives in. The winner gets the egg."
The redneck replied, "Seems okay to me, go ahead."
At this, the goose owner took a run at the redneck and landed his boot smack in the middle of the redneck's groin. The redneck kneeled over in agony and sat on the floor to recover. He then shouted over to the goose guy and said, "Okay, now it's my turn."
The goose guy replied, "Nah, you keep the egg!"   Rate/View Rating

The Physical Exam

An old man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.
The doctor enters the examination room and says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "He said, give him your underwear!"   Rate/View Rating

Worry About Money

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."   Rate/View Rating

Drinking Leprechaun

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
There was a man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face. Then he ran back.
The guy with the box said, "I'll have another Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.
The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.
He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off."
The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers."
Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?"
"By spitting," said the leprechaun.   Rate/View Rating

Irishman Meets The Devil

Patrick Finnegan came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming: "Patrick Sean Finnegan, sure an' ya don't give up your drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye."
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell are you?"
To that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil, ya damned old fool!"
To which Finnegan remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."   Rate/View Rating

TV Healing

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!"   Rate/View Rating

Types of Dudes You See in the Men's Room

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not.

CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: If all urinals being used, pisses in sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

TOUGH: Bangs penis on side of urinal to dry it.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to shit, then does both.

DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.   Rate/View Rating

Are You Positive?

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."   Rate/View Rating

The Payback

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes he did.
She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, made love, and then John left.
Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."   Rate/View Rating

How to Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note: Must do more sit-ups.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for five minutes.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off.

Shave armpits and legs.

Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

Turn off shower.

Apply after shower body oil.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel making a turban.

Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.

Tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel turban on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.   Rate/View Rating

How to Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see your wife along the way, shake penis at her while saying: "Wooo!"

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.

Get in shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

Fart in the shower and laugh at how loud and stinky it is.

Majority of time is spent washing your nads and surrounding area.

Wash your ass using your wife's aloe & lavender facial soap, leaving pubic hairs on the bar.

Shampoo your hair.

Do not use conditioner.

Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

Pee (in the shower).

Rinse off and get out of the shower.

Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

Partially dry off.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire penis size again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Return to the bedroom naked drying off hair on the way.

If you pass your wife, shake penis at her while saying: "Wooo!"

Throw wet towel on the bed.

Take 2 minutes to get dressed.   Rate/View Rating

Brandy for Constipation

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was smashed. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"   Rate/View Rating

Married... Buried

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.   Rate/View Rating

BBMount

Brokeback Mountain gives a whole new meaning to the term "Cowboy Up."   Rate/View Rating

Polish Shift

For many years around 1890, the border between Poland and Russia was volatile. Due to a political shift, Morris found that his village was no longer Russian, but had become a Polish village.
Thrilled, he told his wife, "Thank God! Now no more of those freezing Russian winters!"   Rate/View Rating

It's Stuck

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."   Rate/View Rating

Threes

A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different, something unusual was about to happen.
He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees.
He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock.
He picked up the newspaper and read the date: March 3rd.
Threes - that was it!
He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio!
The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.
The horse ran third.   Rate/View Rating

The Difference

Ma and Pa are sitting on the porch swing one evening enjoying the warm breeze and the night sounds. Suddenly, for no reason at all, Ma hauls off and slaps Pa up side the head so hard he falls off the swing.
Dazed, Pa gets up and asks, "What the hell was that for?"
To which Ma replies, "That's for having a small dick!"
Pa says nothing and gets back on the swing.
About 5 minutes of silence later, he hauls off and slaps Ma up side the head equally hard.
Ma gets up dazed and asks, "What was that for?"
To which Pa replies, "That's for knowing the damn difference!"   Rate/View Rating